Have you ever been there,
at the crossroads of life?
Looking both ways
but not knowing which is right.
Staring into the distance, trying to see
just a glimmer of light?
As if at a stop light that never turns green,
you're stuck at the intersection of me and He.
But the roads aren’t labeled
for as far as you can see.
As you cry out for guidance
with this burden on your heart
it seems that you’re still
standing in the dark.
You fear that this time
He has left you alone
to weigh for yourself
the things that you do and do not know.
Although in your heart you acknowledge that it’s not him,
in this moment that negative idea is the strongest of all of them.
Where do I go?
Which way do I turn?
Tears fill your eyes
as you seek to learn.
Learn of your path and
learn where it leads,
surrendering to something
that you can’t even see.
If the faith of a mustard seed can move the earth,
how little is yours? Is it even the size of a grain of dirt?
Stepping into the dark
when you can’t know what’s next
is the hardest test
man has been handed yet.
I want something solid, tangible, and real,
at least to the standards the world sets for my feels.
Why can’t I know,
why can’t I see,
why does trusting
have to be so hard for me?
Are there people out there
that God still speaks to
and if there are
why can’t it be me or you?
What have I done wrong
which way did I turn
to prevent me from hearing
the voice that I especially yearn?
Is God actually talking
yet his voice is so still
that I can’t seem to slow my life
enough to hear his will?
I think I am asking and
I think I am really there,
putting all of me in front of Him,
down on my knees in constant prayer.
“God please lead me,
show me my path
because I am terrified
of incurring your wrath.”
Wait there it is,
there is the crux of my spiritual life,
the fear in my heart in the realization
that my sense of God has fallen apart.
When I look at the past I know what He has done each time
and I realize my prayers were not filled with words
rather silence was all that was there
as I simply set down tuning my ear.
So I now re-close my eyes
and bow my throbbing head
as the prayer I now pray
“God I don't want to see
where my path leads
because I know where I go
is where you will lead.
You've shown me time and time again the road I should take
and though rugged terrain has gotten in the way,
the scars I have gathered, the muscles that have grown,
the person I am is one who now knows.
Knows of your love
and knows of your plan
and is willing to follow you
even if it is to foreign land.
I have this trouble
because somewhere along the way
there was a seed planted that should have been
thrown instantly away.
Satan has bombarded me
with the things of this world,
he has made me too busy to see the things of my past,
of where I once was to where I now am.
So give me your eyes to see people as you do
to look on the world with a heart of flesh gifted from you.
Here it is, the core of my plea:
at this point I hand over my life
for I am truly tired
of this inward strife.
Wipe away my concerns
and the voices in my head
that compete with the words
you have already said.
Make clear in my mind
the path of which you would have me go.
Allow me to see only the footsteps
your Son has made for me to follow.
Make me the Christian
I long to become and
add to my faith
when I seem to have none.
Forgive me for my doubt
and not listening to your will.
Open my heart so that I
may be wholly thine,
never questioning what has been made
Please open and shut the doors that I need
and to trust that you will never mislead.
The Devil is the father of lies
his deceptive devices are not thine.
You lead with clear insight
showing the way
so send Satan out so that
I may not be lead astray.
I die to myself
so that you might live
and that the resurrected life I now lead
is yours to give.
Give to your people, give to the world,
take everything I have and use in any way you see fit,
for by giving my all and surrendering my will
I know that you have the ability to heal.
So touch my lips
with the coals from heaven’s door
and anoint my spirit that I may
listen forever more.
Brittany Crawford is an alumna of Andrews University who graduated May of 2015 with degrees in Religion and General Studies with an emphasis in Social Sciences. She adores traveling and learning about new cultures and places.