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Satire | “Messages to Old People” Released

I dug this up from the old underground Adventist Rearview edition of Spectrum that I created back around April 1, 2005. Needless to say, it never saw the light of the printing press, although some folks did find it online.

I’m going to reprint some of the pieces over the next few weeks since it is summer and I need some laffs after the culture warfare of late.

This just in. . .

Building on the success of the timely release of the Angels compilation a few years ago, the Ellen G. White Estate has announced the publication of a new compilation entitled Messages to Old People. Said senior estate editor Miss Ing Context, “with all the Social Security pressure these days and the graying of the Church, we thought that the loyal membership who was raised on Sister White might like more messages.”

She adds, “as usual, after we cut out the irrelevant verbiage and grouped similar sounding words together, we were surprised by how timely Ellen White is. For example, see this passage from volume one of the new compilation: trust and obey. . .the conference. . .trust. . .and a. . .new. . .ity. . .officers” (GC 205, COL 167, DA 54, PP 498).

Interestingly, in a new marketing move, the Estate will provide a special edition for the “more mature” Adventist Forum member, a special gilt-edged edition with comparative commentary by Walter Rae.

The two-volume set will come as a standard large print edition. Also available will be the twelve-volume “I Can’t Find My Reading Glasses and This Light Is Too Dim” edition.

Said chief archivist Anne C. Dotal, “we’ve just discovered a text-proof algorithm that has unlocked a combination of early writings revealing heretofore unknown visionary advice for the end times for some. Apparently Mrs. White urges, ‘moderation in the use of stimulants such as tea, coffee, and ci…a…'” (MYP 34, 1T 96-99, MB 122, GC 357).

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