Generic Christianity? I Don’t Think So!
Written in response to a report by Dennis Hokama in the most recent issue of Adventist Today.
She: Hear you’re getting a new dog!
He: True.
She: Looking forward to choosing it?
He: Yes.
She: Bet you’re going for a puppy, not a grown up.
He: Exactly.
She: What kind are you looking for?
He: None.
She: Pardon?
He: None.
She: I ask you what kind of puppy you want and you say “none?”
He: Right.
She: You don’t care if the puppy comes with papers. Is that what you mean?
He: No.
She: Maybe you don’t care if your puppy is not a purebred. Now am I following you?
He: No.
She: I don’t get it!
He: Frustrating.
She: Are you telling me you want a puppy with no breed?
He: Right.
She: That’s impossible!
He: Why?
She: Because every puppy is some kind of puppy.
He: Really?
She: No one can buy a generic puppy.
He: Sure?
She: Every puppy is this and not that.
He: Oh.
She: Remember Philosophy 101?
He: Yes.
She: That’s where we learned about the “ontological necessity of particularity.”
He: Right.
She: Now that I’ve brought it up do you remember?
He: Partly.
She: Philosophers make a pretty good living by pointing out what everybody sees but no one notices.
He: Sickening.
She: They have to feed their kids too.
He: True.
She: Everything that exists in the real world exists as something particular, something specific.
He: Continue.
She: If it’s any thing, it’s some thing.
He: More.
She: Generic things exist only in our minds.
He: So.
She: So you can’t buy a generic dog or a generic kite or a generic ice cream cone. You can’t buy a generic version of anything!
He: Sad.
She: Even the “generic” medicines we buy aren’t really generic. Each one is some special mix of stuff.
He: Kidding?
She: We get them for less because they don’t have labels.
He: Good.
She: You haven’t tried to buy a generic puppy, have you?
He: Yes.
She: Any luck?
He: Nope.
She: Not surprised. Except that you tried. That does surprise me.
He: Sorry.
She: Let’s change the subject.
He: Fine.
She: You’ve decided to become a Christian?
He: Yes.
She: What kind? Adventist, Baptist, Catholic, Disciples or whatever?
He: None.
She: I suppose you want to be a generic Christian.
He: Right.
She: That’s impossible too!
He: Why?
She: Every Christian has a religious pedigree of some kind even if he or she doesn’t know what it is.
He: Yes?
She: Nobody ever comes to Jesus Christ as such.
He: Explain.
She: Everyone comes to him as he is presented by some group that has a particular history and understanding of him. No exceptions.
He: Pardon?
She: Some groups think they’re the only ones.
He: Sure.
She: Nobody can be a generic Christian. It’s impossible!
He: Kidding?
She: Little things, like whether the person who presents Christianity wears a robe or suit, tell you a lot.
He: True.
She: This is Sociology 101.
He: Interesting.
She: Do you remember when we took it?
He: Partly.
She: It’s time for me to get out of here and do something.
He: What?
She: Straighten the rear view mirror in my car. That’s what!
He: Excellent.
She: Take care.
He: OK.
David Larson teaches in the School of Religion at Loma Linda University.
