Who's Your Daddy Parenting Series: Things I Never Dreamed I'd Say
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Everyone knows kids say the darnedest things. But only parents know how often kids lead you to speak, pause, review what you just said, and wonder at the improbable language required for childrearing. We say insane stuff every day.
When I get the time, I'd like to create a random generator of things parents of young children have either said or will eventually say. All the computer would do is select a random choice from each of these categories:
- Negative mandate (with implied threat) such as "stop trying to, you should never, please do not, never ever, you will go on time-out if you, I'm pulling over and it will be ouchy if I see you," etc.
- Verb for frequent child behaviors, including but not limited to "hit, eat, break, throw, mess up, bite, kick, fuss at, scratch, smash, inhale, cut, splash, lick, pinch, wet, hurt, fight," etc.
- Likely object of verb (usually something sentient, fragile, valuable or totally disgusting): "your sister, me, the carpet, my jewelry box, the kitten, poopoo, sand, peepee, the computer, the family portrait, the curtains, the toilet, your food, bathwater, my papers, the dirty gummy bear from under the car seat," and so forth.
A parent smart enough to program a robot to say these randomly generated bits of wisdom might save volumes of speech. Recording these phrases in one's own voice, randomly putting them together and then playing them at night while the child is sleeping would be a great subliminal preemptive strike on all manner of misdeeds, or at least would allow a parent to later say, with virtual truth, "I told you not to do that!"
Off the top of my head, here are just a few of the really-truly bizarrisms that we can remember saying, unaided by technology:
- Do not eat the Band-Aid you took off your foot.
- Never ever wipe your bottom with the hand towel.
- No biting the chair while on time-out.
- Please do not blow your nose onto the couch/Mommy's dress/the dishtowel.
- Do not go poopoo in the bath tub.
- Do not drink the bath water! It has poopoo in it!
- Your sister/the kitten/Mommy's hair/the power screwdriver is not a toy!
- Please do not ever stick a marble up your nose again.
- Only eat flowers that Daddy tells you to eat.
- No, you may not ride on top of the minivan.
- Stop biting your Cinderella dress.
- You can't wear your Jasmine dress to church.
- Please take off your Snow White dress before taking a bath.
- Do not throw diapers in the toilet.
- Please clean the table with something besides the broom.
- I don't think the kitty wants to eat your raisins.
The list gives you a feel for a day in the life, but is far from exhaustive. And if it were exhaustive today, it would be so no longer by tomorrow. New material is generated as often as our bathroom floor is desecrated by potty-trainers.
I would love to read other weird things parents have said in the line of duty. Maybe I can work them into my random Daddy-talk generator someday!
So, "for real life," as Brielle would say, let's hear them! Please comment away with your own peculiar parental prose!
Michael Bennie writes from California's San Bernardino mountains, where he and his wife, Rachelle, parent their 5-year-old, Brielle, and twin 3-year-olds, Melía and Ashlyn. In his down time, he is a 9th-grade school counselor. He vaguely remembers having hobbies of his own before the princess proliferation, but still squeezes in audio books, a tiny men's Bible study (which, surprisingly, includes no tiny men), dates with Rachelle, random hikes, a spring marathon and a fall 3-day novel. He is mad at the Amish because they have what he wants: peace, community and simplicity. This column was originally posted on his blog.
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Comments
These are great--I love the "You can't wear your Jasmine dress to church." I bet that's a major bummer for your girls!
I don't have the "real" kid lines yet, but even with our dog (who is very much our first-born child), Stephen and I have been surprised at what we've found ourselves saying. When she was a puppy, I remember a few lines like, "Pali, don't eat daddy's eyeglasses (or mommy's retainer or other expensive, hard-to-replace item)!" And, the whole fact that we referred to each other as "mommy" and "daddy" with the dog took us totally by surprise too.
So true! Kids might say the darndest things, but so do their parents! I'll have to share this with my sister--she's most frightened when she hears herself saying something our parents said, things that she swore she'd never say to her kids!
One of my lows as a parent:
"No you have to eat the Cheerios on the floor before you can have any more." And I meant it too.
As a mother of three and two granddaughters--each an only child, I can say that one-child families are far easier to raise and contrary to those who feel that an only child is apt to become spoiled, pampered, and all the rest, it has certainly not been the case in my own immediate family.
With several small children under school age, the problems are exponential. Sibling rivalry extends forever, not just in childhood but never completely resolves. Each child claims the other is a "favorite" and so on. There is much more time that can be just "mommy" or "daddy" time with one, and the cost of raising and sending more than one child through college is so astronomical it is difficult to understand how larger families unless they are in the very upper income brackets can afford the luxury of a larger family. But, that's just my opinion. If I were a young person considering parenthood today, that would be my choice. Also, I have a granddaughter and her husband who have decided not to become parents, which more couples are choosing. Maybe the fact that she's a child psychologist influenced her?
Thanks Elaine! I am just such a young person considering parenthood. I appreciate your insights!
I can hear myself saying the Cheerios line, Beth. I love it! Despite my miserly, green influence, the waste of resources by young children is colossal. So I say a Cheerio saved is one Cheerio one more in the box and one less in the Hoover bag. The bacteria are good for them, right? Build resistance. Environmentally speaking, the less offspring the better.
Parental sanity-wise, I also agree with Elaine. But I do think the challenges of sib rivalry, decreased one-on-one time with parents, financial limits, etc. fuel a furnace that can be as purifying as they can be harmful to kids. Line art is simpler to draw, but lacks the depth that shading and color offer; so with families. Each new soul adds difficulty and complexity to the system, but also potential for beauty. Single-child families, families as big and funkily blended as Jacob/Israel's, and everything in between all have their risks. (My resistance first to marrying, and later to procreating, kept bumping up against the first "not good" in the Bible--when God said, "It is not good that man should be alone.")
In any case, in every case, grace is sorely needed for any semblance of family joy.
I'm certainly not anti-family, coming from a home with three sisters, no brothers. But, both demography and economic survival was so entirely different 80 years ago that it is most difficult to justify large families today. Yes, children are the blessing of the Lord, but only if parents can adequately supply their needs, both emotional and financial. College education was a rarity back in those days; today it is almost mandatory. We all want our children to have the advantage of music, travel, comfortable housing, good education, and more. All that means $$$ which, after all, is the one most important aspect. Even the Bible speaks of those who cannot provide for their family are infidels.
There is nothing more wonderful than to cuddle your newborn or to watch them take their first steps and all the joys of being a parent. With that joy, however, comes costs, sorrow and sadness. Just make sure that your children will be the best education you will ever receive.
"Just make sure that your children will be the best education you will ever receive."
Boy, isn't that the truth!
"We all want our children to have the advantage of music, travel, comfortable housing, good education, and more. All that means $$$ which, after all, is the one most important aspect."
I agree, but I think many Americans have really warped ideas of what "comfortable" means in terms of housing. When we bought our first (and so far only) house, it was way too big for us but it was really old, so we could afford it (cheaper than renting at the time). The realtor laughed and said, oh, no problem, you'll fill it up and outgrow it and when you do, come and see me for your next house. We were naively shocked. And we never did fill it up. But we moved to HK after five years to an apartment less than 1/2 the size of the house. It was no big deal, but we watch other Americans moving over here and griping about the size of the flats and think, you don't have a grasp on the reality of the rest of the world.
If Americans focus on what's really important in a family, there are choices they will make that will reflect this. It is possible to live on one teacher's salary, for example, with two kids and not go into debt. But that means not eating out much (and then, at Taco Bell!), not driving new cars, not wearing the newest and latest fashions, etc. But those things are not what kids pay attention to unless it's what they're taught to pay attention to.
If the money isn't there, barter system works great for things like music, art, extras.
M
Of course humourist Jean Kerr originated the "lines you never thought you'd say before you had kids" concept years ago with her book title, "Please Don't Eat the Daisies." My personal favourite so far is, "Yogurt is not a finger food." Pre-kids, it just never occurred to me that there were people who would need to be TOLD that. Isn't it self-explanatory? Apparently not.
It's been a long time since my kids were young, but I remember trying to reason with my earliteen (now 50) about why he would be better off not listening to the Beatles (which sounds laughable now, but I was very concerned then) After presenting all sorts of sensible arguments, I felt safe in asking, "Can you imagine Jesus having that kind of music in heaven?" His answer, a very sincere "Sure."
Carrol, when a parent and a teen have survived those years (and both are still alive!) you still can't rest as there are the early 20s with your child choosing who your in-laws will be and much more. Also, the way you handle possible drug use, and more will enable one to see the worry about music choices as very trivial--as are many of the problems that seem huge then and fade later. Trying to remember your own teens can help parents survive those years.
Carrol, the music thing is funny. I am 50 and remember the countless rants over the horror of the Beatles and the like. I have quite happily introduced my boys to the Bealtles music. They love it.
If it weren't for The Beatles, I would never have wanted a guitar and guitar lessons; I would never have met my first guitar teacher who helped lead me to Christ; I would never have become a musician and eventually a music educator; I would probably never have joined my present church where I eventually met my wife, etc.
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Frank
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