I remember having to sit through my great-grandmother's prayers as a kid--she was a true saint and boy could she pray to prove it! My dad sympathized though. He said he clocked her once when he was young and she went 19 minutes just for the grace before lunch!

As someone who will be joining the parenting world before too long, this whole topic is something that already has me really worried. How do I raise my children to be spiritually open? How do I instill that sense of religious tradition without resorting to the dogmas I don't want to reintroduce to this next generation?

I can imagine that option #6 is quite tempting--just wait for prayertime until they're old enough to handle it--possibly not until post-college age ; )

I just started using a book with selected sacred scriptures (Christian and from other world religions) for prayer. Do you think kids would like (occasionally) some of these types of prayers to memorize? I've gotten more convinced of the power of liturgical prayer as a way to calm and connect with familiar words. I'm curious if you've ever tried that with the girls or what your thoughts are on that idea.

Mandated prayer, like forced worship is an oxymoron. Children should never be forced to pray; that is, if parents want them to eventually desire to pray on their own.

Children should be taught to thank God audibly, right then, when they enjoy a beautiful sunset, when they thank Mommy & Daddy, along with God for their food, when they experience delight in their childish pursuits.

Prayer should be thought of as talking to God anytime of the day, not a formal event that disrupts their daily activities. Perhaps a short formal memorized prayer is a beginning. Just as there are certain rituals that proceed bedtime: tooth brushing, putting on pajamas, there could be a few seconds (minutes are an eternity to a small child) of thanking God either in their own language or a memorized one.
Preferably, each child should have his private, rather than family time at prayer--which is too long for such little children.

You are not alone Michael! We too struggle with modeling and teaching our two boys how to pray. Logan has always been the one at Sabbath School that refuses to kneel and Landon will at times ramble his baby prayer with hands clasps but usually resorts to screaming when we have a quick bedtime prayer. As parents, we desperately want our children to learn God is there but at the same time we want to bring our children up to make independent decisions about God.

Elaine, I really like your idea of seizing the moment, praying in the circumstance. Today while the boys and I were outside playing, a saleslady came by pushing her cleaning product that I didn't want. Apparently she was working with an agency trying to help people get back into the workforce. After hearing her story, we prayed together outside. Later, my three year old asked me why I had prayed with her. At the time, I felt impressed to pray and now I'm glad that for once they got to see prayer outside of the church box and the family worship box and the having to always be on my knees.

Michael--I have to think that God enjoys their exuberance as much as he enjoys their serious times. I think we get too caught into "this way" is the "only way" to pray. Elaine is right though--our children need to know that they can pray any time, any place. My boys will often pray during the day, but it is not out loud (I've seen them disappear into their bedroom, or they've told me about it later). We do have prayer before meals and before bed--when they were tiny, they would repeat after us or we would ask them to thank God for one thing today. These prayer sessions should be SHORT!

My 10 y/o now won't pray out loud in the evening. I don't force the issue. His mind wanders, and I am not sure that there isn't some prayer in a wandering mind (as one with a wandering mind--I have often found myself "off topic" yet totally "on topic" with something I wouldn't have thought about otherwise).

My 8 y/o has a pretty standard prayer for bedtime prayer, but I know he prays many other times. And for 5 and 3 year olds, they just don't have the patience or attention span. Let them say Thank You Jesus for one thing that happened today and let it be.

Maybe, if they feed off each other (how many of us have struggled not to laugh in church while sitting with a sibling?), you could just pray with each child separately for about 30 seconds, rather than trying to keep all three of them quiet and still. Or sing prayers together (there are many praise / worship / children's songs that can be sung as prayers).

We are culturally conditioned to think that prayer time must be quiet and still, but I don't think there is one absolutely appropriate way to pray. I mean, people go on "prayer walks" through neighborhoods, so you don't have to be still. You could prayer walk through your house--thank Jesus for something in each room, perhaps.

People used to frown at my older son in church because he'd be on the floor, drawing (very, very conservative conference and church--very traditional--sit up on the pew silently "listening"). But the pastor would ask a rhetorical question and there would be my son's little voice piping up from "nowhere" answering it. Sometimes we have to indulge the wiggles or the brain will not engage.

I look forward to more from you and your three girls!

M

The one thing to be avoided is the idea that prayer takes a particular form or place or time.
When a parents who is in tune with the child, realizes that the child resents either worship or prayer time, it should be clear that the parent is pushing too hard. This does not apply to necessary chores, but prayer should NEVER be seen as a "chore" that must be performed each day at a certain time. These are opposed to what a parent desires.

Thanks for the honest thoughts, Mike. I know this is a topic my wife and I will be trying to figure this one out soon too. I don't know that I have many good memories of praying as a child, but I'd like to find a way for this to be a positive family ritual. I agree that I don't want to force my kids to prayer or worship, and I also understand that this might be hard for you/me because it's hard for adults to settle into a prayer routine.

I like Nola's idea about unplanned/unstructured prayer--that's probably as positive a lesson to show your kids as anything.

Looking forward to hearing more about the fun and trials of parenting, especially the spiritual challenges!

I really appreciate your honest observations, Michael. As a parent of a five year old and a nine year old, I've struggled with many of the issues you discuss.

Like you, I believe it is important to establish a daily habit of (very short) prayer in young children. The habit of bedtime prayer, established very early in my childhood, has helped me focus on God during some spiritually dry times of my life. I'm grateful that my parents helped me develop the habit.

I am really looking forward to your future blogs!

Thank you for all the excellent feedback. My wife and I are already excited about lots of this free advice.

In recent years I have been reacting against the traditional Adventist reaction against ritualism, and am now embracing spiritual disciplines I scoffed at as a kid. Maybe I'm laying this on too thick with my little ones (especially at their least focussed time of day), to the neglect of spontaneity and authenticity. And for sure, we are exceeding their attention span. I look forward to playing with the ideas you've mentioned.

Your comments are truly an answer to this prayer-time prayer. I look forward to more conversations!

Grace and peace,
Mike

If you have not taken the time to visit Mike's blog, do so!And while you're there make sure that you read "Things I never dreamed I'd say"!

Nola--I was reading about your child refusing to kneel and laughing at my memories--when my boys were in Cradle Roll together, at prayer time they would lie flat on the floor on their stomachs--then the kids on either side of them would start--pretty soon they looked like a bunch of very devout . . . . I don't know what--but it was very funny. I don't know what the other parents thought, but I had a hard time suppressing giggles. (and who's to say it's more "holy" to kneel than to lie prostrate, or to stand, or to walk, or to lift hands rather than fold them, though folding them is very helpful to keep the hands from being busy doing other things, like grabbing food during the blessing!) Speaking of keeping hands from grabbing food, we've always held hands during blessing for this reason, and continue out of habit. When we have non-SDA (and usually non Christian) students eat with us, one of the things that they love and insist on is joining in holding hands with the family. This is very special to them.

M

My great grand daughter goes to Curtis Baptist Pre-School. The Seventh-day Adventist Church doesn't have one.

When she comes to visit and plays with her "special" Grandma's dolls and sings them to sleep with the songs we learned in Sabbath School. She will tell the dolls stories about the baby Jesus. It is heart warming to listen. There are two points. One: There are more Christians than Seventh-day Adventists, Two: Worship must be as natural as breathing--none of this now hear this--you must listen, pray or else.
After all where did our breath come from? Tom

I'd be interested in thoughts in this Times article on equally-shared parenting.

When Mom and Dad Share It All (the video's good too)

That message was one the Vachons had agreed on from the evening they met, though they were clearly still tinkering with the details. They would not be the kind of parents their parents had been — the mother-knows-best mold. Nor the kind their friends were — the “involved” dad married to the stressed-out working mom. Nor even, as Marc put it, “the stay-at-home dad, who is cooed at for his sensitivity but who is as isolated and financially vulnerable as the stay-at-home-mom.”

Instead, they would create their own model, one in which they were parenting partners. Equals and peers. They would work equal hours, spend equal time with their children, take equal responsibility for their home. Neither would be the keeper of the mental to-do lists; neither of their careers would take precedence. Both would be equally likely to plan a birthday party or know that the car needs oil or miss work for a sick child or remember (without prompting) to stop at the store for diapers and milk. They understood that this would mean recalibrating their career ambitions, and probably their income, but what they gained, they believed, would be more valuable than what they lost.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/15/magazine/15parenting-t.html?em&ex=1213...

In the video, I thought it was interesting how the mother frames their philosophy as different "from the world."

I remember as a teen-ager sitting in church one Sabbath. Someone up front was just asking us to bow our heads for prayer. At that precise moment my little brother jabbed me in the ribs and lifted the lapel of his suit jacket to reveal a string tied somewhere underneath, winding its way out and around the neck of his pet chameleon. Talk about choking on laughter!! I can only imagine what would have happened had that creature gotten loose in our 1,000-member church!

Not much, I imagine. Chameleons move pretty slowly, don't they? But very cool that he had one!

Even though years of trying to stay ahead of worship woes (please forgive if I diverge and include worship, too) took its toll, we still found it worth the effort. With a house full of energy, use the methods used for large crowd control. Begin with something more exuberant, i.e. singing/acting out songs such as Father Abraham and doing charades, then progress to something less loud and active. You can slowly tone things down without their even realizing it (usually the most effective way.)

Be creative. Bring something each time that they really look forward to, such as a continued story, read only at worship. Have them draw a picture of the story you are telling. Multitasking keeps young minds (as well as older ones like mine) from wandering. Have the children come up with a bible story prompted from items set in front of them. The winner tells the story. Have them write notes of encouragement to a friend, showing them a “working worship”. Keeping everyone personally involved solves a multitude of problems.

Be creative with praying, too: Have “round robin” prayer where each one can pray for just one thing. Have them write out their prayers ahead of time and read them. Ask them to think of Jesus sitting right there with you and have them tell Him one thing they’d like to thank Him for. Don’t major in minors. If they want to stand or lay down during prayer, let them. They will eventually follow the lead. Let one child, each prayer time, tell one thing/person they would like prayed for. Discuss how they could possibly be part of the answers to some of their prayer requests.

Most importantly, let them see you live your Christianity. Include them in spontaneous prayers during the day for some need that comes up, take them with you to buy groceries and deliver them to a family in need, help them raise money for a mission project that they can become a part in fulfilling. A working Christian life is the best example. Let them see you having your own time with God. As a child, I quickly learned to tune out my mother’s long readings of EGW, usually directly relating to something we did/didn’t do that day, but I never forgot seeing both of my parents daily spending their own time with God.

……Just some ideas from one who’s spent a lot of years using the trial and error method. (Why is it that by the time you finally start getting things figured out, you’re a Grandma?)

Alex--I saw that NY Times piece about equal parenting too. Stephen and I both read it and liked the concept, although, we already do something similar with household chores, etc. I haven't done the laundry in about six years! I think our generation of parents wants a partnership when it comes to child-rearing, and this includes worship/ritual/prayer/God talks that might have been more in the "head of the household" column previously.